Ben, Another Try to Spread His Wings

I first met Ben during a summer cross-country trip in 1983.

He wasn’t a very big guy physically but appeared to have a big personality. He also gave me the impression of having untapped potential to develop intellectually.

This was the first time I met Ben. He’s trying out Derek’s wheelchair. Ben did not have a wheelchair at that time.

A couple of weeks after I arrived home from my trip, Ben’s social worker and I began to communicate with the idea of Ben joining my family. However, he was to be filmed for a television program, Wednesday’s Child, to recruit families who might be interested in adopting Ben.

Luckily, we got things rolling before his television debut!

Ben’s worker felt my home was a good fit for him and liked the idea of Ben having brothers, Derek and Rusty, who shared many of the same challenges. A month or so later, I returned to Louisiana with Derek and Rusty in tow for a second visit.

After a couple of months of the necessary paperwork in order to place Ben in my home, Ben and I made the trip from Louisiana to West Virginia. It was a snowy December day in 1983.

Ben and I ready to leave Louisiana and fly home to West Virginia.

Ben’s Page in adoption books stamped PLACED.

Ben became my third son. I remember how excited he was to see snow for the first time. Derek and Rusty were asleep when we arrived late that night but my friend Sue was still awake waiting for us.

Ben had a rough start in life.

Many attempts made for his birth mother to bond and learn to care for him were unsuccessful. He then began a series of moves from one foster home to another to another as an infant. He finally ended up with the foster family who had contemplated adopting him but for whatever reason unknown to me they did not follow through with the adoption.

Ben was very much loved in this home and was accustomed to being the center of attention. Reports said he had been spoiled terribly by the foster mother. This resulted in giving him a temper. He would try to strike out at others with his spastic arms and was stubborn. It didn’t take long for him to learn that in my home he had to share me with Derek and Rusty and find a more positive manner to get my attention other than his ‘basset hound pout’.

Ben came with a list of labels: failure to thrive infant, severe athetoid cerebral palsy resulting from perinatal asphyxia, severe language disorder, severe mental retardation to one report of having average to possibly above average intelligence, and microcephaly.

Ben could do little other than to nod his head for ‘yes’ and move his eyes slightly to the left to indicate ‘no’ when asked questions.

To me, he appeared to be bright and he loved to have stories read to him. He was extremely attentive during storytime and when others were conversing in his presence. He seemed to be absorbing all the language and experiences taking place around him. I couldn’t wait to find a way for Ben to be able to express his wants and needs. (You can learn more about this by turning to posts on Ben’s communication development.)

Several years back, Ben moved into a group home for young adults. He felt he was ready to become more independent, and I feel he was, but after a relatively short time, we learned the caregivers were not able to meet his physical needs and he moved back home.

It took a couple of years for him to once again regain his desire to move out. We have been searching for about five years for another place to live, there was an opening at an intermediate care facility in San Jose. The care home is not exactly what he had hoped to find and after much thought, Ben decided to give it a try.

On Friday morning after living 37 years minus a couple of months under my care, he said good-bye to his large, private bedroom with walls decorated to his liking in exchange for a much smaller room to be shared with another resident.

Saying goodbye to his room . . .